I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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