He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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