I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
