now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
