There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
