Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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