dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
