yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
