I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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