Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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