I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I could fuck to npr.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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