I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
