You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
