my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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