i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
