I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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