I cockslap morals
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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