I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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