I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
