Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
