He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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