So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
