Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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