no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
