I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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