I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
