A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
