i love accidental penises.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
