I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
