We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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