I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
