her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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