isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
