i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize