I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
