Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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