I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
