I looked at my own cervix.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
