I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
