girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
