i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
