Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
