Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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