There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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