Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
