I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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