fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
