My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
