Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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