Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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