I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
