My liver just broke up with me...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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