He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
