My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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