Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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