So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
