I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
