Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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