Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
two words...techno handjob
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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