I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
